Oh my goth

When I was a senior in high school my sister was a freshman.  One day she decided to try a different type of look.  It started with black pants, then black shirts, dark makeup, black fingernail polish... The look is commonly known as "Goth".

At the time because I was her loving brother all I wanted was to see my sister get in trouble.  I remember commenting to my mother that Lori was going "Goth" as if that announcement would earn her an immediate grounding.  My mother turned to me and asked, "What commandment is Lori breaking?"

It was a stunning question because I had no answer.  It seemed wrong - good LDS girls shouldn't be dressing in a gothic style, it just wasn't done.  And yet my immature teenager brain couldn't find any justification for why I felt that way.

Years later when I was teaching seminary I would tell my students how my sister came home wearing black and ask them to pretend they were my parents.  I would ask them if they would have an issue with that.  Their responses would range from "Absolutely!  No child of mine will ever dress like that" to "I wouldn't care - I'd help them pick out the clothes" but in general most of the students felt that having a daughter dress in a Gothic style would concern them.  Then I would ask "What commandment is she breaking?"

As I pondered my mother's question I found what was making me uncomfortable.  The peers that I had known which wore Goth fit a general profile: most of them had a dislike for social norms which led them to disregard authority.  They often became rule breakers and sometimes had problems with the law.  I was certain my sister was on a path that would lead to drugs, immorality, and plenty of "I told you so".

I finally shared my concern with my mom, warning her of my sister's certain future.  Her response taught me a lot about parenting: "Scott, we know.  We're not stupid and we're not as out of it as you think.  But it's dangerous to tell someone they need to stop what they are doing just because it's not the way you think it should be done.  You need to focus more on the principles than the actions.  Let me ask you, do you know why Lori is wearing Goth?"

I had to admit I did not.  Surely because her friends were doing it - but the next question is why are her friends doing it?  I had no answer.  And so I stayed quiet, but I noticed the next few family nights had themes -

There was a lesson on how the way we dress shows reverence to Heavenly Father.  In Old Testament times people wore certain things to show they were mourning (Genesis 37:34 says they wore sackloth, Exodus 33:4 says they specially took off their jewlery).  Sometimes Heavenly Father even ordered special clothing to be symbolic (like Leviticus 10:6 where the Lord tells Aaron not to wear clothes to mourn his son's death because his sons had sinned) I would normally have thought it was a lesson or modesty, but now I started to see a pattern

There was a lesson on not being swayed by your friends to do things that are wrong.  In 2 Chronicles 10:10 Rehoboam was convinced by his "friends" to be mean to the people, and he lost a lot of his kingship.  "The Lord hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself", (Deuteronomy 14:2) We are meant to be "peculiar" because we don't do things that our friends think we ought to do.  It was a classic lesson on Peer Pressure, but I could see what my parents were trying to do.

There was a lesson on appropriate things for appropriate times.  Ecclesiastes 3:1 says "to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose".  There is a time for dressing up in Halloween costumes, and a time to wear Sunday clothes.  There are times when....

"Stop it!  I know what you're doing!"

Finally my sister had been patient long enough.  "I can tell you're trying to say I shouldn't wear black.  You don't like my goth style."

My parents were still very wise.  There are times when you can answer questions best with more questions,
"Why do you say that?"   
"Oh, come on, Mom.  It's only obvious.  You're saying I'm not sending people the message I want them to get.  Well how do you know what message I want?  Maybe it's exactly the message I want to send?"

"And what's that?"
"OH!  You guys can be so frustrating!  You want me wear a Sunday dress all the time and quote some scripture with every other sentence?  What if I'm not like that?  What if I'm more of a dark and spooky type?"
"So?"
"So!?  I can tell you disapprove!  Just come right out and say it!"
"Lori, do you have a testimony of Jesus Christ?  Do you believe what you are taught at church?  Do you believe God answers your prayers?"
"Uhh.... well I guess, maybe, I mean I try...  I don't know, maybe not."

My parent smiled, and my dad said, "Great.  For a 14 year old that sounds like a reasonable answer.  You are starting to get your own testimony.  Now I don't care if you wear black shirts or flowery skirts, but I do care about whether you are keeping the commandments while you are searching for your own testimony of God.  In this family we will have regular family nights and morning scripture devotional.  I know if you keep the commandments as taught at church you will be happier.  I want you to be happy, so there are certain commandments you will keep while you live under our roof.  Will your Gothic style make it so that you cannot abide by the rules of our home?"
"No"
"You have said this style is not what people think of for someone who goes to church.  Does this Gothic style make it hard for you to live any of the commandments outside of our home?"
"No"
"Are some of your friends encouraging you to break the commandments?"
"I don't think so"
"Fine, then I don't care what you wear.  Let's go back to talking about when certain things are appropriate..."

I remember at the time being a little impressed with Lori.  She had to know my parents were applying pressure, but she didn't just give them the answers they wanted to hear, and she was willing to say what she felt.  I was also impressed with my parents.  They were smarter than to make this an issue about clothing - it was an issue about testimony.  I would have attacked the symptom - a young woman wears black clothes.  They addressed the real issue - a young woman who was trying to discover herself.

Does it matter what clothes you wear?  Sure, but you should be concerned with what you wear, not what other people wear.  That story was important to me when I went on my mission.  I met people who were disheveled bums, punks who looked like rock stars, and men in white shirts and ties.  I tried to remember to not look "on the outward appearance, but... on the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7).  Many times I was surprised to find they were different on the inside than I might have guessed.  

If you're wondering: Lori went Gothic for a few months more, and then it gradually changed.  Eventually she moved on to other things and different styles.  She never did become a drug runner, join some bizarre cult, or end up in a maximum security prison.  In fact her testimony has helped me during times when my life faced struggles.