Judge Not

We've all heard the scripture "Judge not, that ye be not judged" (Matthew 7:1), but do we really understand what that means?  I have learned that I sometimes judge unrighteously and it's usually it's one of five reasons.

1) I'm just protecting myself

Let's start with the hardest excuse.  It is a commandment to protect ourselves, and even Joseph Smith clarified that "judge not" meant we should not just unrighteously.  Everyone needs to be careful of their surroundings, and if you have reason to suspect someone is dangerous you have a right to notice that.  However it's possible to go too far and use protection as an excuse.

Once when I was teaching my seminary students about King Benjamin's speech we discussed the scripture, "ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain" (Mosiah 4:16).  I had asked my friend Jeff from the statistics department to come over and wear his big overcoat.  Jeff had a big beard, and when he slouched he looked like a homeless man.  At the agreed time he showed up wandering past the church door.  My students were instructed to follow a treasure hunt which would lead them past Jeff on their way outside, and past him again to reenter the building.

The students were focused on the treasure hunt and they rushed outside without even noticing the grubby man until they were already next to him.  In a scratchy voice he asked them if they would give him a little cash for breakfast.  Then panic ensued as he sauntered slowly away from the church.

Some students were only interested in winning so they muttered a half excuse about not having anything and rushed the long way around him to finish the hunt.  Three girls rushed back in the church, and then huddled in the foyer muttering about the crazy psycho outside.  Four guys in macho mode banded together to discuss the best way to "escort" this dangerous man off the premises (in such a way that the three girls would see it).  After only a few minutes I instructed everyone back into the classroom.

"I can see there's a lot of intensity going on... can you guys tell me what's up?"  The girls immediately spoke up about the scary man who was looking at them to decide who to kill first.  One girl said he had a hammer hidden in his coat (which we later determined was not true).  The guys said it wasn't ok for a beggar to be on church property, and they needed to protect the girls from the hammer.  Other students said they didn't offer any money because he would simply spend it on booze.  Everyone agreed he was dangerous and we should call the cops.

I said this excuse was the hardest because there is a measure of caution that was appropriate.  I do not think young women should entertain homeless men.  However, the imagined hammer and the aggressive reactions were based on fear and judgement.  As instructed Jeff had only walked through the parking lot which took him past the door.  While they were not expected to make friends with him, it was disappointing that they were not even kind.  How often does the Lord test us by putting people in our path just to see how we would react?  Can we balance wisdom with tolerance?  Can we show prudence and love?  The excuse of "I am protecting myself" has no bounds, and wars have killed countless innocent victims with that mantra.  I hope I learn to avoid this trap before I find myself saying "Lord, when saw we thee... a stranger, and took thee in?  And the King shall answer... Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." (Matthew 25:37-40)

2) I'm helping someone else improve

Now my least favorite excuse.  I have felt the pain of being judged by someone who was trying to help me be better.  This criticism leaves me feeling devastated and the person who was critical probably feels like an angel.  I have even done it myself - and most often to those I love the most.  Such a common way to tear a tender heart.  I do no know how the Lord will judge us for this evil, but I know when I see it in other people I cannot believe it was justified.

My mission served many small branches in the back hills of southern Brazil.  In Tijucas my companion and I found ourselves traveling a small dirt road in a poor corner of the city.  We knocked on the door of small house and found a family without a lot hope for the future.  Mom and Dad were both stuck in a dead end job at a shrimping
processing plant on the other side of town, and money didn't cover the family's needs.  They found little comfort in smoking, and they had given up on God.  The marriage was rocky, the children were unguided, and home was not a happy place.

We brought a message of hope and peace.  We sang hymns, we talked of Christ, and they felt something.  They came to church, and the children found friends.  One day as visited them I could tell the mother had changed.  She told us that a few days earlier she had gone back to her old church, and while she sat there she had an amazing spiritual experience that testified to her that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the church of God.  She never again smoked.  She was eager to be baptized and her children with her.

The bishop worked with the father, Desilu, to encourage him to quit smoking, and also to help cover some debts that seemed to keep the family from progressing.  Desilu did not commit to baptism, but he supported his wife and children as they were baptized.  He said he needed some time before he was ready to join the church, but he was fighting the addiction to smoking and he testified that his home had been a happier place.

Then someone decided to help him improve.  A member of the ward learned that Desilu was getting financial aid from the bishop.  The ward member pulled Desilu aside and told him it was evil to pretend to like a church just to get money from it.  He said if money was all he wanted then he had already gotten enough and should not expect any more.  He said a real man would work to earn his money, and if he truly wanted to follow Jesus then he should stop acting like a thief and support his own self.

The entire family never came to church again.  I hope at some point the spirit guides them back. What did this ward member have to say for himself when confronted?  "I was just trying to help him get things on the right track!"  When will we ever learn to keep our criticism to ourselves?  Justifying cruel judgment as being righteous does terrible damage.  I have already admitted I do it - and I believe it is a symptom of not having true love for others..

 3) Being judgmental won't have any cost to me

Lehi said "where there is no punishment there is no condemnation" (2 Nephi 9:25).  If I am convinced I won't be punished for being judgmental then I am more likely to judge someone else.  The problem with this excuse is I sometimes find out later what the price really was.

For a summer I did an internship at Towers Perrin in Houston.  The first little while that I was working there was tough on my family.  They stayed in College Station while I lived in Houston during the week and traveled home on the weekends.  To make matters worse my little baby girl at home had the chicken pox.  I called at night, but from an hour away there wasn't much I could do.

Fortunately after a few weeks things got easier.  Teasha found some good friends to help her along, and the baby's chicken pox cleared up.  Of course there were still little red spots that linger on for weeks after the child is no longer contagious.  I would call home and talk about how work was and describe the people I work with.  Then one Friday my family came to visit me at the end of the work day to see the place where I was working and to meet my coworkers.  Things went fine for all of two minutes when someone asked what those faint spots on the baby were.  My wife explained that three weeks ago she'd had the chicken pox, but for over a week she wasn't contagious, and she was feeling much better.

The reaction was immediate.  The lady who was reaching for Allie drew back, and made some excuse as she backed away.  The word spread, and some coworkers just left early.  It was as if we had announced we had the plague.  One person explained that since they were from a foreign country they were very worried about things like the Chicken Pox - apparently it's known as an American disease?  Very quickly most of my coworkers had disappeared, and since it was the end of the work day on a Friday I assume they just went home.  I still remember one coworker peering over the top of his cubicle hoping we didn't come down his aisle as we left.

I have since been told that people who don't have kids, and people who come from foreign countries have genuine fear about the Chicken Pox.  I'm sure in their minds there was no problem with staying away from us - it made sure they didn't catch it, and it didn't do anything bad to us.  However, my wife was eager to meet the people I worked with, and it hurt her feelings that everyone acted like we were something to avoid.  I bet they had no idea how hurtful their judgmental attitudes were because they figured it wasn't any of their problem.

Maybe the chicken pox isn't really a big deal, but I think I may have been the same way about people who are struggling with bigger problems.  I confess I have looked the other way when passing a homeless man, or avoided talking to someone who was mourning.  I have stayed away from rest homes and stayed silent when passing someone who had cancer.  My thought is to say, "There's no punishment to me for judging this person."  What I fail to see is the hurt other people are left with.  Lord, may I have more of Ruth's attitude: "thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God" (Ruth 1:16).  Then it is impossible to separate myself from the pain of others.

4) Someone else judged me

When I am attacked by other people I find myself being defensive... and the best defense is a good offense.  If someone has criticism for me I'll say, "Oh yeah?  Well what do they know?  I happen to know they have a problem...."  Yet on the cross Jesus didn't say, "Father get them - they are doing things they know are wrong"... instead he said "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

One quick reason why we ought to never justify being judgmental in this way is that from the Lord's perspective we have infinitely more to condemn us, and yet we ask the Lord to be merciful to us.  My father was a bishop in a college ward and he had a young man come in and confess some pretty serious sins.  Three years later my dad was no longer the bishop, but he ran into this young man in the store and recognized him from his ward.  They chatted for a minute, and then this young man became very serious and with intensity in his eyes he asked my dad, "Do you remember what I did when I was in your ward?"

My Dad studied his face.  He could remember sitting down with him in his office.  He could remember there was something serious.  He could remember that he had met with him.  But when he tried to remember the reasons that brought the man into his office it was blank.  After a minute of brain searching my father finally responded, "I am so sorry, I remember who you are, but I am trying to remember what it was we talked about and I just can't.  It's just not there."

The young man's face grinned.  "Good."  And an understanding passed between him and my father.  Apparently they haven't met since, but this man wanted to know whether it was possible for God to forget what he had done.  The Lord showed him through this chance meeting with the bishop that God does not carry grudges.  He forgets our sins and moves on.  That should be our attitude as well - instead of collecting mistakes that others make like building an arsenal of manipulation tools we should forget and move on.  It will help us be more like Christ.


5) I don't have all the pieces

Usually when I judge someone it's because I don't truly understand them.  Once while I was dating Teasha I snuck over to her house and hid in the back of her Volkswagon Bug.  Now you might be thinking there is no room in those tiny cars to hide, but with my legs under the seat and a blanket that was the same color as the seat I was innocuous enough.  This would be a great way to surprise my girlfriend by being with her on a drive that I knew was long and boring.  The only thing I didn't plan for was that the neighbor saw some strange guy crawling in the back of Teasha's vehicle.

I think the neighbor judged righteously in deciding to take action.  I am glad the neighbor did not decide to come attack me to defend Teasha.  Instead she called Teasha's mother, who then came out to verify that (sure enough) it was just me.  Everyone was willing to
laugh about it afterwards because a neighbor cared enough to say something, but did not judge what she did not understand.  If you're wondering - I waited until Teasha was driving down the highway to give her a happy surprise of a hug.  Afterwards both of us decided that was definitely not a safe thing to do.

Once going through WalMart I snuck a bag of donuts and put them in the cart.  My wife removed them.  I secretly put a box of Coco Roos in the cart.  My wife removed them. I tried a carton of cookie dough.  My wife removed them.  She's good!  I tried a can of coffee.  That one survived!  And right in the front of the cart no less!

We turned the corner and met the bishop.  Now you might be thinking "A good husband would have explained the joke to the bishop", but that just means you don't know me.  We chatted for five minutes and then he left.  We also ran into a member of the Relief Society.  When we reached the checkGo, and do... likewise" (Luke 10:37)
out stand Teasha put the coffee can on the conveyor belt.  Then her eyes bulged out... "SCOTT!  How long has this been in the cart?"  "Um... oh, you know.... since we started meeting everyone from the ward...."  Well the point of this story is not to explain how Teasha nearly died of embarrassment, it's the fact that both ward members MUST have seen that coffee can, but neither commented on it.  They knew there was likely an explanation they didn't know, and they chose not to judge.  Oh, if only I could be more like that!  So many people have demonstrated what it means to righteously "judge not".  And my goal is to "

How to get along with a Mormon

I think I'd like to take a break from writing my stories for one entry that I have always wished to write.  Here is a list of things I wish other people - coworkers, friends, and neighbors - understood about me as part of my Mormon culture.

I love talking to you about my church.
The LDS religion has a strong culture and so we often come off as overbearing when we talk about church, so sometimes I hesitate to bring up the topic.  I worry you'll roll your eyes when the topic turns to religion, but it feels so GOOD to share things that have meant so much to me.  I don't want to be offensive or rude, so I may not bring it up unless you give me an opening on the topic.  You might be impressed with how thoughtful and organized my explanations can be.  I don't even care if you bring up offensive rumors or uncomfortable topics.  You'll find I have good answers and can defend my church without anger, feeling insulted, or getting flummoxed.  If you want to get on my good side quickly ask me about my beliefs and give me a chance to bear testimony and explain what I believe to be true.

I do not believe your church is evil.
I believe my church has answers that you can't find anywhere else, but that only makes sense - I am a Mormon for a reason.  Everyone is trying to seek God in some way and we are all trying to be a good person.  I do not believe that if you die before becoming a Mormon you are going straight to hell.  Mormons are unique in our beliefs about the afterlife, and if you ask I can explain what happens to people who do or don't accept our beliefs when they die.  I think you'll find we have more common ground than you guessed.  I often feel like people are hesitant to bring up religion with me because they don't want me to insult their church.

I like hearing about your beliefs too.
We believe in all truth whether it is found in other Christian faiths, in non-christian faiths, or among academic non-religious beliefs.  We feel like we are the most open to other religions, Jewish, Muslim, Catholic, you name it.  That's why I get so mad at people who claim we believe only Mormons have value.  I like understanding your religious culture, what you think, and how you try to be the best you can.  If we put our heads together I bet we can come with ideas that would help us both live better.


I know other Mormons if they are in my ward.
When someone discovers I am Mormon they usually follow it up with, "Oh, do you know So-and-so who is Mormon?"  The answer depends a lot on whether they are within my ward.  A ward is a geographically defined area, and everyone in that area goes to church at the same time.  Usually there are about 200 members in a ward.  You quickly become close friends with everyone in your ward.  Five or six wards together make a "stake" and I meet people in my stake every few months.  So don't be afraid to ask if I know your LDS friend, and if they're in my ward I'll be excited to meet a friend of my fellow ward member.


I have a church calling that is important.
The daily operations of the church is managed by the members.  The church leaders (with inspiration) choose what calling I have, and I would not refuse the call to serve unless I felt God wanted me to.  I don't seek certain jobs, they are not paid, and I have some calling pretty much at all times.  They range from teaching classes to organizing activities.  I feel like it is a call from God, and I need to serve the Lord while balancing a real job, family, and friends.  Some callings take up time or make me rearrange my schedule, but I hope my friends and coworkers understand how important it is to me and are willing to work with me.

I need to go home teaching.
Besides my church calling I am also a home teacher.   As a home teacher I have three or so families that I visit every month with my companion.  The two of us will visit the family sharing a message and checking on how they are doing.  That means I'm trying to juggle four busy schedules to set up appointments.  On the rare occasion that I need to schedule home teaching during work hours or some other awkward time I would like my friends and coworkers to be supportive and understanding.  When my LDS friends say they have home teaching I always consider that a high priority.

Going to the temple is serious.
The temple is a place to covenant to be more like Christ and receive promises of blessings in return.  It is different from church the way a steak is different from a hamburger.  I believe it boosts my resolve and gives me spiritual power to fight temptations.  I also believe evil tries to work against anyone who plans a temple trip.  It seems like as soon as I say I'm going to the temple everything goes wrong.  The car breaks down, the kids get in a fight, a required meeting is scheduled, and a road trip to the nearest temple seems impossible.  It is my test to see if I truly want to get to God's temple.  I love it when friends hear that I am trying to go to the temple and they clear the path for me.  They offer to take kids, meet people, or turn in reports so that I can get on the road.  It shows they understand and support me like soldiers in the battle of life.

Remember my diet restrictions.
I cannot drink coffee, alcohol, or tea.  I have been to social functions where the only drink offered was iced tea, and I have to try to go out and find a drinking fountain.  When the dessert has alcohol dribbled on it I feel like I've been forgotten.  I'm not asking for special treatment, but a little water for those who don't drink coffee sure it nice.  And don't think that serving apple juice in wine glasses is going to count - I won't want to be seen with that in my hand.  When I see coffee and tea to one side with soda or water on the other I feel like someone remembered me.

I like it when you don't swear.
It is called "profanity" because it profanes something sacred.  I am expected to speak of God and sex in proper ways, so I try to not use swear words.  This doesn't mean sex or religion is taboo - I can talk about them without embarrassment, but profanity treats them as meaningless.  I don't feel offended when others swear, but I like when people watch their language around me.  Wh
en I hear lots of cussing it's easier for a swear word to come to mind, so I prefer to hear clean language.  Those who watch their mouth around me are showing respect for my beliefs.

Family is everything.
The work of our Heavenly Father is to help us - his children.  Being a good husband and father is the closest I can get to being like God.  There is no other success that can compensate for my failure in the home.  This does not mean work, friends, church, or hobbies are not important, but it means I always want to know my family is being taken care of.  I like it when a work social invites me to bring my children.  My friends understand that I might miss out on a fun activity to be with my kids.  I hang scribbled pictures on my office wall with pride.  When my boss helps me take of my family I take care of what my boss needs.  If you understand that my family matters most to me then you'll know what motivates me.

Forgive my mistakes.
Being Mormon doesn't mean I'm magic.  I feel temptations, I get angry, and I have unrighteous desires just like anyone.  Someone who really knows me might catch me doing something wrong.  I often worry  that my mistakes will change what you think of my church.  The truth is I'm not any better than any other person, even though I try to be like Jesus.  I don't mind if you call me on it - you can remind me that I want to live at a higher standard.  I ask that you forgive me for my faults and help me be better, and I'll try to support you in whatever ways you want support.

Questions to start a conversation that don't argue doctrine:


Where do your ancestors come from?
What is your church calling?
What church calling have you enjoyed the most?
If you chose a mission where did you go?
How many families do you home teach?
What made you fall in love with your wife?
How are your kids doing?
What do you like to do for Family Home Evening?
Where are you reading in the scriptures?
What is your favorite book of scripture?
What is your favorite hymn?
What made you decide to become a Mormon?