Vulcan Swearing Pinch

In elementary school I had a good friend named Shane.  We did lots of things together, but there was one problem - Shane knew how to swear and he did it a lot!  I would tell him to stop and five minutes later he'd let fly with another curse just to see me react.  I told him never to use that word again and two sentences later he'd say it twice just to emphasize it!

I told him it was a commandment: "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain" (Exodus 20:7) but he didn't care.  I assumed he was doing it to make me mad.  So in retribution I pinched that nerve right at the base of the neck just like the Vulcans do.  It only took a little while before I was really good at it and I could send Shane into convulsions of pain.  Even still he swore!  I figured he was trying to build up an immunity to my neck pinch, so I dug in harder, especially with some of the more serious swear words.

Before long we had our own Vulcan swearing game.  Shane would swear, I'd do the neck pinch, occasionally a tussle would follow until one of us was defeated.  It annoyed me that Shane would use cursing as a game, but with my self-righteous attitude I figured I was being the hero. Eventually the game grew old, we grew up, and after elementary school we lost track of each other.  It wouldn't have even made much of a memory for me except for the rest of the story.

Fourteen years later I had returned from my mission and was reacquainting myself with old friends.  I met Shane in passing, and we congratulated each other on successful missions.  It was good to see an old friend I remembered from elementary.  Turns out he had moved away for a while and had come back to our home town.

A little while later he met my mother in the grocery store and recognized her.  They had a talk, and he apparently asked her, "Did your son ever tell you what he did for me?"  She only barely remembered him, and asked what he meant.

"I came from a family that had plenty of struggles, and there was a lot of swearing in my home.  I picked up that bad language without even realizing it.  I had no idea my words were offensive until Scott started getting upset with me.  He would tell me to stop, and I would try, but my brain didn't even think about it, the words just popped out.  He used to pinch my neck to make me stop, and it hurt!  So eventually I got better at it, and I finally learned to recognize when I said those words, and after a long time and lots of work I managed to quit my swearing habit.  I worked hard to notice things that I did which weren't right, and I went to church more often, and I kept my life on track.  I guess you might say Scott is the reason I went on a mission.  I have always looked up to him."

When my mother told me this I was stunned.

I always assumed he was doing it on purpose, after all, how could he not know he was swearing?  Oh how I wish I had been kinder to a boy who was trying to overcome influences I knew nothing about!  I wish I had been encouraging rather than cruel.  There is a difference between attacking the sin, and attacking a sinner.  When the woman who had sinned came to the Lord he didn't do a neck pinch and tell her to quit, he said, "Thy sins are forgiven" (Luke 7:48).  How grateful I am that the Lord does not teach me lessons the way I have tried to teach others!

And yet I am stunned to realize a tiny thing to me had such an impact on my friend.  When I told him to quit swearing he may have acted like it was funny, he may have acted offended, but deep inside he was making decisions to change and improve his life.  I remember someone telling me to "keep talking, for who knows but what you might say something the angels will repeat".  I made a promise to never be ashamed to say what I think is right, and to be a better friend by kindly encouraging others to do what is right.  It may cause a fight, it may hurt, but if I am loving it will never ruin a friendship.  It may just bring my friend closer to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Boys don't use curlers

I'm sure this story has played out in nearly every family, but here's when it happened to me.  To begin you must understand that I was the third of four children, and as the middle child life was horribly unfair.  My older brother, Chad, got all the privileges, my older sister, Julie, got anything she wanted, and my younger sister, Lori, was spoiled.  At age 7 I had it the worst.

When my older brother was 12 my parents would sometimes leave him in charge of us when they left (for example on a temple trip).  As the boss he would tell us what needed to be done before we could watch TV, he would order us to bed, he would grill us on whether we brushed our teeth --- basically he became the high command dictator.  Sometimes he would tell us a game was too dangerous (like riding hampers down the stairs) and sometimes he'd order us around (like no going outside) ---- basically he used his power to treat us all like miserable slaves.  Anyone who dared to oppose his Royal Pain would be banished to time out.  Defiance against the time out guaranteed trouble with Mom and Dad when they came home.

I made sure Mom and Dad knew that Chad was an abusive overlord, and they decided sometimes my older sister Julie, who was 10, could be in charge.  I thought that sounded great, until Queen Obeyme took over.  She decided we could read books instead of watch TV.  She decided if we argued about the Nintendo no one would play it.  She decided dessert would be fruit!  Never had I seen a 10 year old girl become a school marm so quickly.  It was obvious: my older siblings were unfit to rule.

I explained that I needed to show them how it was done.   The next time my parents were headed to the temple (a trip to St. George which would take several hours), I rallied for the supreme calling.  I explained how I wanted a chance to show them how it was done.  I needed them to understand what it meant to be loving, compassionate, and stay a strong leader.  I told my mom that once she let me be in charge she would decide to put me in command every time, "I just know it!"

My mother very seriously sat me down and explained the house rules.  I was coached on the eating rules, safety rules, cleaning rules, bedtime rules, emergency rules, and even a little lesson on being kind to my siblings.  I soaked it all in - I already knew all that, but a good leader still acts like he's paying attention so his mom will feel good about it.  I vowed three times that I could easily handle it.

I remember my parents leaving, I remember them saying goodbye.  I remember the door closing, and listening as the garage door went up, the car went out, and the garage door closed.  I remember turning around feeling 15 feet tall.  I had all the control and power in the world.  I walked down the hall to where my three siblings were watching TV.  Now they would be in my power.  I could have them do anything!  I could make them entertain me, work for me... I could have them satisfy my every want.  And what I wanted was to make them pay for all their cruel ordering!  I pointed at my brother and said, "Chad!  I am in charge, and I order you to.... to go curl your hair!"

D&C 121:36-38 "the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven... the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.  That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.  Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself,"  Of course at age 7 I had no idea what this scripture meant.

My brother looked at me with a "What planet are you from?" look and kept watching TV.  I told him it was an order, I was in charge, and he would be sent to time out if he didn't start paying attention to me.  Chad said, "Scott, I'm not going to curl my hair.  Boys don't use curlers."  Julie said, "This is why you don't let 7 year old boys be in charge."  They completely ignored me.

For several minutes I tried to assert my dominance.  In fact I decided to rescind my hair curling command.  I even decided to forgive him for his insubordination.  I told them it was time to turn off the TV and come eat dinner.  No one even spoke to me.  Finally Chad said, "Scott, I'm a guy, I have short hair, and curling my hair isn't something you can order someone to do.  If you want to be in charge you need to learn what's important, and what's not.  We're going to watch TV for fifteen more minutes, and then we'll come in and eat dinner."

For the rest of the evening I had no control, and everyone knew it.  I felt like King Saul when Samuel the prophet told him he was losing his kingdom: "Thou hast done foolishly: thou hast not kept the commandment of the Lord thy God, which he commanded thee: for now would the Lord have established thy kingdom upon Israel for ever.   But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the Lord hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the Lord hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the Lord commanded thee." (1 Samuel 13:13-14)  My kingdom was lost, and the only thing I had left was a memory of how foolish I had been.

It gave me a lot to think about.  I wielded power for a total of 1 second, but instantly lost it by trying to use my authority to gratify my pride.  And once it was lost I never regained control.  For the rest of the evening Julie told us what was for dinner, Chad told us when to go to bed, and I stayed quiet.  I had no ability to defend myself, and everyone knew it.  Mom and Dad didn't put me in charge again for many years.  It was a harsh lesson on the true meaning of power.

To this day when family reunions bring us all together my siblings will recount, "Hey Scott, remember when you ordered Chad to curl his hair?!" I learned that to be in charge is to be in the service of my fellow beings.  I hope to reach the celestial kingdom with my priesthood authority in tact, and to report to my eternal father how I handled the power I had on Earth.  I will say, "Yes, I experienced the rush of power.  Once I ordered my brother to curl his hair.  But since then I have tried to use authority, power, strength and priesthood to bless others and build up thy kingdom.  True power is my ability to control myself."