Golden Arches of Salvation

One summer I did an internship in the heart of downtown Houston.  Our home was in College Station, only two hours away.  We decided to try what many families do - I would work in Houston during the week and come home on the weekends for the three summer months.  It was a hard decision, and there were lots of reasons, and lots of prayers to make sure we were doing the right thing.  Still it was a scary time since separating the family like this was very unusual for us.  Thomas was still very young, and Allie was only a baby.  We knew it was a great opportunity, and we were grateful for our blessings, but having Dad gone five days a week was a difficult decision.

That first week Teasha came and made sure I was all set in this massively tall apartment building.  The tiny one room apartment would never have accommodated the whole family, but since it was just me there was plenty of space.  Sadly the time came when she needed to take the kids back to make it home for bedtime.  It was a very heart wrenching separation - the first time in our marriage we would be apart for more than a day.  It was with a very heavy heart that Teasha loaded the kids in our car and headed home.

On the drive she began wondering if she had just done the right thing.  It was true we had prayed, but what if things went badly?  What if I needed support and my wife was not there?  What if she needed help and I was in a distant city?  If it was the right thing to do why didn't the Lord help her to see that it would all work out?  She prayed to ask the Lord for comfort, but found her fears continued to mount.

In desperation she looked up to heaven and prayed, "Father, I'm worried, can you send me hope?"

As they pulled out of downtown onto I-10 she began to look for the signs where the lane she was in would end and she would pull out only to have the lane reform so she could pull onto I-45.  From there it would merge into the "spaghetti bowl" where multiple highways merged and split, catching the 610 into 45 which becomes 10 with a shortcut on 6 to snag the 290, and that's only the first 10 minutes out of downtown Houston.  We had Google mapped it all out before hand, but it was a complicated blur of furious vehicles each streaming to their own routes and merging from one end of a long line of lanes from the left into the far right turning lane within a fouth of a mile.

She found herself praying as she went: "Father, I keep looking for hope, but from this end things seem pretty scary.  I just don't see how this will work.  In fact I can't really see any of thy plan at all.  Art thou even listening to me?  Art thou paying attention to our little family?  Why is it taking so long to get answers?  What is going on up there!?"

While this was going on Thomas was calling from the backseat, "Mom!  I'm hungry, are we close to home yet?  Can we eat something?"  Teasha's response was "Yes, Thomas, we will eat.  There's a McDonalds up ahead.  We'll pull in, but we have to get out of downtown first."   That sort of response will keep a four year old happy for a short while, but words like "downtown" don't mean much at that age.

As Teasha zipped into a small gap of cars to make the next exit Thomas' patience ran out.  He called out, "Mom!  I keep looking for McDonalds, but I don't see any.  In fact I can't really see what's going on.  Are you even listening to me Mom?  Are you paying any attention to me?  Why is it taking so long?  What is going on up there!?"

As Teasha heard Thomas echo her own prayer, as she was looking at the elaborate scheme of roads, and figure 8's that she come up on, the spirit came and she knew exactly how to answer her son.  She was giving him an inspired message sent from God to her. 

She said, "Thomas, I am in the drivers seat, you can't see all of the twists and turns it takes to make it home, but I can, and I will lead you there.  You can't see anything from that back seat, but if you could see things from where I am sitting, you wouldn't worry so much, I am going to take care of you and lead you where you need to be, just have faith as you sit back there, and you will understand everything that I am doing one day, it will all be okay, I am here to help you as your parent, so trust me, and we will get where we are going."

Many times I have felt to echo the words of David, "Awake, why sleepest thou, O Lord? arise, cast us not off for ever.  Wherefore hidest thou thy face, and forgettest our affliction and our oppression?" (Psalms 44:23-24).  I feel alone and forgotten.  Spiritually starving I wonder whether God has a plan, or if my life is destined to slide into waste.  When I pray the Lord seems to only say, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." (Psalms 27:14).  Wait?  Seriously?  How long?

Because Thomas was only four years old he asked his mom several times, "Mom, are we getting there?"  And because Teasha loves him she answered every time, "Yes, my son, be patient.  I see it up ahead."  "But Mom!  I don't see it!"  "That's ok, Thomas, I can."

Because I am sometimes a spiritual child I ask Heavenly Father, "Am I getting there?  I don't see it".  Even David sometimes needed a few reassurances.  In 1 Samuel 23:1-4 David needs to battle against the Philistines.  He's worried so he asks the Lord if he should go.  The Lord tells him to go.  David is getting ready, but he's still a little worried.  He asks the Lord again.  With infinite patience and love the Lord tells him again "go down to Keilah; for I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand."  I have found God is willing to comfort me and reassure me as long as I am willing to put my trust in him when I cannot see the whole picture.

That summer was difficult, I was only home on the weekends.  But it passed, and I gained valuable work experience that I used in my schooling, and it helped me plan my career path.  Teasha had wonderful friends that helped her.   Afterwards we both realized how much we needed each other.  Our marriage and family situation is better because we turned to the Lord and waited patiently on him.

Those who trust in the Lord will find out - as Thomas did - that the van always finds it's way along the narrow road to the "golden arches of salvation".  A four year's old joy had no bound as he ordered chicken nuggets and fries.  We are promised eternal joy if we can learn to endure to the end waiting patiently through trials as the Lord directs our lives.

Oh my goth

When I was a senior in high school my sister was a freshman.  One day she decided to try a different type of look.  It started with black pants, then black shirts, dark makeup, black fingernail polish... The look is commonly known as "Goth".

At the time because I was her loving brother all I wanted was to see my sister get in trouble.  I remember commenting to my mother that Lori was going "Goth" as if that announcement would earn her an immediate grounding.  My mother turned to me and asked, "What commandment is Lori breaking?"

It was a stunning question because I had no answer.  It seemed wrong - good LDS girls shouldn't be dressing in a gothic style, it just wasn't done.  And yet my immature teenager brain couldn't find any justification for why I felt that way.

Years later when I was teaching seminary I would tell my students how my sister came home wearing black and ask them to pretend they were my parents.  I would ask them if they would have an issue with that.  Their responses would range from "Absolutely!  No child of mine will ever dress like that" to "I wouldn't care - I'd help them pick out the clothes" but in general most of the students felt that having a daughter dress in a Gothic style would concern them.  Then I would ask "What commandment is she breaking?"

As I pondered my mother's question I found what was making me uncomfortable.  The peers that I had known which wore Goth fit a general profile: most of them had a dislike for social norms which led them to disregard authority.  They often became rule breakers and sometimes had problems with the law.  I was certain my sister was on a path that would lead to drugs, immorality, and plenty of "I told you so".

I finally shared my concern with my mom, warning her of my sister's certain future.  Her response taught me a lot about parenting: "Scott, we know.  We're not stupid and we're not as out of it as you think.  But it's dangerous to tell someone they need to stop what they are doing just because it's not the way you think it should be done.  You need to focus more on the principles than the actions.  Let me ask you, do you know why Lori is wearing Goth?"

I had to admit I did not.  Surely because her friends were doing it - but the next question is why are her friends doing it?  I had no answer.  And so I stayed quiet, but I noticed the next few family nights had themes -

There was a lesson on how the way we dress shows reverence to Heavenly Father.  In Old Testament times people wore certain things to show they were mourning (Genesis 37:34 says they wore sackloth, Exodus 33:4 says they specially took off their jewlery).  Sometimes Heavenly Father even ordered special clothing to be symbolic (like Leviticus 10:6 where the Lord tells Aaron not to wear clothes to mourn his son's death because his sons had sinned) I would normally have thought it was a lesson or modesty, but now I started to see a pattern

There was a lesson on not being swayed by your friends to do things that are wrong.  In 2 Chronicles 10:10 Rehoboam was convinced by his "friends" to be mean to the people, and he lost a lot of his kingship.  "The Lord hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself", (Deuteronomy 14:2) We are meant to be "peculiar" because we don't do things that our friends think we ought to do.  It was a classic lesson on Peer Pressure, but I could see what my parents were trying to do.

There was a lesson on appropriate things for appropriate times.  Ecclesiastes 3:1 says "to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose".  There is a time for dressing up in Halloween costumes, and a time to wear Sunday clothes.  There are times when....

"Stop it!  I know what you're doing!"

Finally my sister had been patient long enough.  "I can tell you're trying to say I shouldn't wear black.  You don't like my goth style."

My parents were still very wise.  There are times when you can answer questions best with more questions,
"Why do you say that?"   
"Oh, come on, Mom.  It's only obvious.  You're saying I'm not sending people the message I want them to get.  Well how do you know what message I want?  Maybe it's exactly the message I want to send?"

"And what's that?"
"OH!  You guys can be so frustrating!  You want me wear a Sunday dress all the time and quote some scripture with every other sentence?  What if I'm not like that?  What if I'm more of a dark and spooky type?"
"So?"
"So!?  I can tell you disapprove!  Just come right out and say it!"
"Lori, do you have a testimony of Jesus Christ?  Do you believe what you are taught at church?  Do you believe God answers your prayers?"
"Uhh.... well I guess, maybe, I mean I try...  I don't know, maybe not."

My parent smiled, and my dad said, "Great.  For a 14 year old that sounds like a reasonable answer.  You are starting to get your own testimony.  Now I don't care if you wear black shirts or flowery skirts, but I do care about whether you are keeping the commandments while you are searching for your own testimony of God.  In this family we will have regular family nights and morning scripture devotional.  I know if you keep the commandments as taught at church you will be happier.  I want you to be happy, so there are certain commandments you will keep while you live under our roof.  Will your Gothic style make it so that you cannot abide by the rules of our home?"
"No"
"You have said this style is not what people think of for someone who goes to church.  Does this Gothic style make it hard for you to live any of the commandments outside of our home?"
"No"
"Are some of your friends encouraging you to break the commandments?"
"I don't think so"
"Fine, then I don't care what you wear.  Let's go back to talking about when certain things are appropriate..."

I remember at the time being a little impressed with Lori.  She had to know my parents were applying pressure, but she didn't just give them the answers they wanted to hear, and she was willing to say what she felt.  I was also impressed with my parents.  They were smarter than to make this an issue about clothing - it was an issue about testimony.  I would have attacked the symptom - a young woman wears black clothes.  They addressed the real issue - a young woman who was trying to discover herself.

Does it matter what clothes you wear?  Sure, but you should be concerned with what you wear, not what other people wear.  That story was important to me when I went on my mission.  I met people who were disheveled bums, punks who looked like rock stars, and men in white shirts and ties.  I tried to remember to not look "on the outward appearance, but... on the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7).  Many times I was surprised to find they were different on the inside than I might have guessed.  

If you're wondering: Lori went Gothic for a few months more, and then it gradually changed.  Eventually she moved on to other things and different styles.  She never did become a drug runner, join some bizarre cult, or end up in a maximum security prison.  In fact her testimony has helped me during times when my life faced struggles.