They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but maybe that depends on the perspective. The tree probably says the apple is so close it can almost touch it, but the apple thinks it fell forever and can hardly see the trunk. That has been true with my father and myself. During those haughty teenage years I would probably have said there was only one trait I shared with my dad, and that was my sense of humor. Years later I have realized that sense of humor carries more with it than I would have ever believed.I suspect there is some disagreement from church members about whether a sense of humor is an appropriate topic for church. J. Golden Kimball said, "The Lord must have had a sense of humor - he made all of you!" Despite the fact that J. Golden quotes aren't considered doctrine there is strong evidence that the Lord approves of appropriate humor.
Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to laugh.
John 16:33 commands us to be of good cheer.
Moroni 7:16 says that which edifies and builds up is of God.
D&C 123:17 says we should do all things cheerfully.
Perhaps the strongest argument to me that a sense of humor is indeed a godlike attribute is to see how much humor is found in the leaders of the church. Many leaders, especially prophets are known for a good sense of humor. Howard W. Hunter said, "Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more." (The Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, Chapter 14) If those who are closest to the Lord have a strong sense of humor I claim that it can be considered a gift of the spirit. My father helped me to understand what a sense of humor is, and how to seek after such a gift.
I have decided a sense of humor is really a complicated recipe of five other senses. It takes the proper mix of all 5 of these senses to get good humor. Like most gifts of the spirit the blessings are well worth the effort. D&C 46:8 says "seek ye earnestly the best gifts." For anyone wanting the recipe for laughter here is what I've learned.
A SENSE OF CONTROL
The first ingredient is self control. Just because something will make people laugh does not mean it should be told, and just because something is funny does not mean you should laugh at it! Even the type of laughter can be inappropriate. That's why the scriptures often mention we should live "not with much laughter, for this is sin, but with a glad heart and a cheerful countenance" (D&C 59:15). Laughter that is too loud or uncontrolled is not a Godlike attribute. In Genesis 18:12 Sarah laughed because she did not think the Lord could fulfill his promise to her, and she was chastised for it.
This is hard for me since I use laughter as an excuse to lose control. My father on the other hand carefully chooses the times to use humor and who the joke is played on. He has helped me understand that some opportunities need to be passed on, and some jokes shouldn't be carried on for long. A good laugh needs to wait for the right circumstances. Like when the family goes out to eat at a drive-thru restaurant.
(imagine a speaker phone voice): "Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?"
My dad will flip his finger over his mouth while he speaks so that it comes out sounding like this:
"Ybtests Ihbdt ldidkbte tbod odbrbddbebtr bta btbrurbbgrdetr pdldetatse"
(Try it - flip your finger over you mouth while you talk. It almost sounds like speaking but through a static filled underwater radio. It's also slightly therapeutic.)
What happens next almost always goes the same way:
Pause
"I'm sorry sir, I didn't quite catch that, could you say it again please?"
"Ybtdedtbabdh, bdI sdatdibd Ihbdt ldidkbte tbod odbrbddbebtr bta btbrurbbgrdetr pdldetatse"
Pause
Pause
Pause
"Um, sir, I'm sorry, could you just repeat that one more time, please?"
"YbtdEdtbAbdH! I sdatdibd Ihb'Dt ldidkbte tbod odbrbddbebtr bta btbrurbbgrdetr pdldetatse"
"Sir? I'm really sorry, we seem to be having a problem with the speaker. Could you pull up to the window please?"
"Sbturderubre."
My father then pulls around to the window where a slightly frazzled looking young lady (sometimes guy) will say in the sweetest tone imaginable with a great big smile:
"I am so sorry. That speaker's been having problems. Could you please tell me again?"
My father puts his finger to his lips:
"Ybtdedtbabdh, bdI sdatdibd Ihbdt ldidkbte tbod odbrbddbebtr bta btbrurbbgrdetr pdldetatse"
From the first word the look in her face changes from shock to indignation to fury to relief and finally she/he will burst out laughing and duck back inside (usually slamming the window shut, although there was one time a large fry came flying through the car window first).After 20 seconds or so the poor frazzled attendant returns and my father is bouncing with silent laughter as they both share a "Oh my goodness, I couldn't figure out what was wrong!" moment. Then he orders the meal and when we drive off you can see the person inside still laughing and usually telling some coworker the story in glorified detail.
Dad's goal is not to embarrass them, but to make a long hard day at work just a little bit more interesting. He's found a time when a person could use a laugh, and a way to bring them a smile and a story to tell so that their day just a little more interesting. Their job is not put in jeopardy, and in the end they do not look stupid. I've noticed he listens and watches carefully for signs that they are hitting their frustration limit, and he'll end the joke early if it isn't working. Although I have a long ways to go, watching my father has helped me pick up a few tips on having a sense of control.
SENSE OF TIMING
My brain doesn't always follow the same mood as those around me. There have been times when it would have been appropriate for me to be sad but my brain just thought of something really funny. I used to think that if something could be funny in some scenario it must be funny in any scenario. So not true.
The Savior understood this very well. When Lazarus was sick the Savior understood that this would be the start of a wonderful story. He said, "this sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby." (John 11:4) Still when he met Mary she was weeping. The Lord knew Lazarus would rise, he knew it would have a happy ending, if it had been me I would have said something funny. "Jesus wept" (John 11:35). It was not the time for jokes, for clever comments that would mean more when Lazarus arose. It was the time to join in the sorrow and show appropriate emotion. Jesus had a sense of timing.
My father has this sense of timing. At church the first priority is helping people grow their testimony. In interviews his goal is to be a support and help for them. It's only when there are no jobs to be done, or hearts that need comfort that humor is ready for use. And my dad is a pro at watching for those perfect times and using them. Like when the Bishop goes out to lunch without looking around.
One day the family went out to eat at Pizza Hut, and the Bishop came in with a stack of claim papers from work. Apparently his mind was more on business than lunch because he never noticed my family finishing lunch in the other corner of the restaurant. As he sat down with the frazzled look of a man who was having too long of a day my father determined this man could use a little humor to clear his head.
He called the waitress over, "I'll pay you now for a large beer if you'll go over and set it at that mans table and walk away without saying anything." With tense anticipation we watched her plunk a large frothy mug in front of the bishop and walk away. He glanced up nodding thanks and went back to his - head whip! He looked at the mug... looked at his paper.... blink, blink... looked at the mug again... looked at the disappearing waitress... raised his hand and called to her as she turned the corner... looked at the mug... stared at the mug... his expression turned to shock!
Now what's funny is that he was a claims adjuster at work and probably forgot about his church calling of bishop while he was in work mode. It took him a few minutes to register that a beer had been put on his table, and then you could see the gears in his mind churning as he tried to figure out what to do! Because a bishop is the leader on the ward level he is often looked to as an example. That means everything the bishop does is examined as a pattern for righteous living.
Seeing a beer on the bishop's table might just be confusing for anyone who noticed, so it certainly couldn't stay there. But seeing a beer in the bishop's hand would be worse, so he can't pick it up! Yelling for a waitress doesn't show proper decorum, and throwing a fit over some mistake isn't very Christlike. Asking someone else to take it looks weird and could imply acceptance of drinking for other people. He sat there for several seconds desperately trying to figure out a solution to the conundrum. Then he looked around.
My father has a good poker face, but small children do not. It took him all of two seconds to figure out exactly what had happened. His face turned from panic to humor and with a sly grin he picked up the beer and headed towards our table. Five seconds later we were driving away in the car laughing. Later the bishop agreed that it was funny, and admitted that it gave him quite the chuckle when he needed a break the most.
Good timing is partly knowing how other people are feeling, and partly knowing what it most important. Such a trick might not be appropriate in a different circumstance. It also means you don't try being funny constantly - even humor is best in moderation. My dad had many other interactions with that bishop as part of their church duties and it was rare for them to play tricks on each other. The humor was more funny and more appropriate by keeping a sense of timing.
SENSE OF ETERNITY
There are a lot of unfunny things that happen in life - trials, disappointment, death, and pain. But a sense of eternity helps us find which parts really matter and what is just part of life. We need trials to learn and grow, but some people can get stuck on how life isn't fair or wishing things could have been different. That's where a sense of what really matters in the eternities can help us laugh at ourselves.
In 500 years will this still matter? That is the question that separates things that can be funny or should be serious. Laughing at short term problems helps me to understand that my trial will not endure and hope will spring eternal. It should not be surprising that Joseph Smith had a great sense of humor since he also had great visions of the eternal nature of things. He worried about his sense of humor too, saying, " I was guilty of levity, and sometimes associated with jovial company, etc., not consistent with that character which ought to be maintained by one who was called of God as I had been. But this will not seem very strange to any one who recollects my youth, and is acquainted with my native cheery temperament." (JSH 1:28)
My dad has a good understanding of what is eternally important, and he uses humor to try to point that out to other people as well. Restaurants are a place where we often meet strangers, and it's not at all uncommon for him to joke with people he doesn't know. As we are being shown to our seat he will sometimes pause at a stranger's table and say, "Ooo! That looks really delicious! Do you mind if I try a bite?" Most of the time they look up at him like he's an alien, then they look down at their food... back up at him... then shrug and hold out a fork full of food for him. He'll laugh and say, "No, no, I'm just kidding, nice of you to offer. It does look good though. Enjoy your meal." And as he leaves he'll chuckle and they'll be smiling. It's funny because they were offered a chance to be kind to a stranger in exchange for some of their food. It emphasizes something of eternal importance with something that is of temporary importance. When he leaves they realize they choose the truly valuable thing - to be charitable. Fancy meals, expensive dinners, and creepy strangers don't really matter. It's what's inside us that we should focus on.Of course it doesn't always go well. Sometimes they scowl and try to ignore him, or sometimes they refuse in a rude manner. It's a risk you take when joking with people you don't know. The worst are the ones who just sit there and stare. My father has commented that you can tell a lot about a person's sense of humor by the way they react to uncomfortable situations. It doesn't faze him because he knows in the eternal scheme of things his desire to bring them a smile matters more than the fact that it didn't work. He trusts God to bless them for facing their trials, and bless him with a better ability to know which people will find it funny. A sense of eternity helps him to not be discouraged when someone is offended.
There have been times when I thought my trials would never end and life could never be happy anymore. Yet even as I write this the spirit testifies that some of my current trials really are temporary, and they will pass. Being able to laugh at them is a way of testifying that they are not truly important when viewed with a sense of the eternal.
SENSE OF REVERENCE
"Does this make light of sacred things?" If the answer is "maybe" then pass it up. Learning what things are sacred is a lesson that I have sometimes learned the hard way. "Better safe than sorry" was a slow motto to pick up. There is a trend in modern humor to shock the audience with crude and obscene references. The world's idea of funny is being twisted until it loses the Godlike beauty of humor.
Swear words are called "profanity" because they profane sacred things. Swear words (usually) fall into two categories: making light of sex or making light of God. I have even been guilty of saying "Oh! That was wrong... but funny!" as if that could justify laughing at an inappropriate joke. Jokes about sex or God profane the sacred and is a form of blaspheme which was punished quickly in Old Testament times. D&C 121:45 says "let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong" That confidence is a key to having a good sense of humor.
It took my Dad two seconds to realize that a small town would naturally know everyone in the ward and he would have been conspicuously new. So he leaned in and asked, "Is this a Mormon's church?" With pride she answered, "Why yes it is, what do you know about Mormons?" He thought for a moment and said, "Well, I feel like a know a bit, but I'm always interested to learn more..." She beamed at the invitation and launched right into our beliefs about God, Jesus, scriptures, the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the restoration, the priesthood. To her credit my father says this 70 year old lady was following the missionary discussions topic for topic. After a while the meeting was about to begin. My father thanked her for her insight, and said, "I see someone I know on the stand. I'd like to go talk to them if I may." He then marched up, shook the bishop's hand and sat next to him. They announced President Crawford as presiding at the meeting, and later he gave a well prepared talk. After the meeting was over he went to her and she immediately voiced, "I knew! I knew the whole time! In the stake presidency... oh I knew it!" They had a great laugh together and he complimented her on her fantastic missionary skills.
That story is important to me because while my father did have some fun with this lady, you'll notice he didn't lie or mock sacred things to do it. He merely invited her to share what she knew. In the end a fantastic testimony was borne and the spirit was there. That holy spirit augments the humor of the moment and bound them together as friends. Imagine how differently it would be if he had tried to be funny by attacking the church's teachings and seeing if she could defend them. My father knows that his sense of humor can be augmented by a simple sense of reverence.
SENSE OF CHARITY
The last ingredient to humor that I have noticed is a sense of charity, but that does not mean it is the least important. It has been a challenge for me to predict what things will hurt someone's feelings before the joke is told, and unfortunately I can almost always tell after it's too late. I will admit I have teased people and hurt their feelings in the past, and I have always... always... regretted it. For example, my father genuinely dislikes having his picture taken. I have been tempted to make this a joke in times past, until I realized how he felt. Funny should never trump over love.
One of my father's tricks that I have noticed is how carefully he watched people to see when the joke is no longer funny. Whenever we go to the store it's not uncommon for my father to ask the checkout clerk if the store accepts "Federal Reserve Notes". Usually people do a confused look, and stammer something along the lines of "Umm.... Federal what? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure we don't."
This is funny because "Federal Reserve Note" is the true name for a dollar bill. Pull one out and look at it, you'll see "Federal Reserve Note" written along the top. This name was used when the government stopped using gold bullion as the currency base and developed a money system based solely on the word of the US government. It's funny because what the clerk is saying is basically "No, we don't accept money here. You have to pay with something else."
This is a tricky joke to pull off because it boils down to a trivia question that the sales clerk doesn't know. If it's done wrong the clerk is going to look stupid. My father carefully waits until they've expressed confusion, but no longer. Then he quickly pulls out a dollar and says, "Well here, let me show you one, see right here? It says 'Federal Reserve Note'". Then the clerk will see my father is chuckling and they'll laugh and say something like "Oh, well, in that case I guess we do!" My father is smiling and laughing so they can see he is not mocking their stupidity. He doesn't drag it on because he doesn't want to make them feel like a moron. It is just a joke and nothing mean. He'll usually tell them a little history of when the currency system was based on gold so that they understand he is a connoisseur of coins, and that's why he knew the name. Then he'll finish with, "You know, it's backed by the US government, so that should tell you how much it's really worth!" It's a joke that they can understand so that both of them share in the humor and no one is left feeling dumb.
Once I remember my dad asking if they accepted Federal Reserve Notes and the clerk immediately turned and signaled his supervisor to come over. My dad launched into "No, no, I'm sorry, it was just a joke, here, see, it's another name for a dollar bill. I was just being funny." It was important to him that this stranger did not get in trouble with his supervisor over a joke. When the supervisor came over my father told him about the joke and together they all laughed in a little bit of trivia. He was more interested in ditching the entire joke than causing someone to feel embarrassed or belittled. My father has a sense of charity.
These are the 5 ingredients that make a good sense of humor:
A sense of control A sense of timing
A sense of eternity
A sense of reverence
A sense of charity
But my lessons don't end there. You see a sense of humor is only an ingredient to greater senses. The Lord said, " If thou art merry praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing, and with a prayer of praise and thanksgiving." (D&C 136:28). The spirit will use our sense of humor to augment two other very important senses:
SENSE OF JOY AND GRATITUDE
"[The Spirit] can be more mind expanding and can make us have
a better sense of well-being than any chemical or other Earthly substance. It will calm nerves, it will breathe peace to
our souls. This comforter can be with us
as we seek to improve… It can enhance our natural senses." (James E Faust Ensign May 1989)
With a perfect sense of timing we knew we could get there just a few minutes before the meeting started. We wanted to be a few minutes early so we could let him know we would be there as befits a good sense of charity. We were not planning on doing anything loud or obnoxious, since that would ruin the sense of reverence, but the surprise would shock my father enough to be funny. We would share a happy quick reunion before the meeting to show a sense of control. It would be funny because at a time great change for my father he would remember his sense of eternity and see his family which was what really mattered. All the pieces fit for a nice surprise.
If only things had gone according to plan.
As we drove south to try to make it in time we noticed a man walking on the other side of the freeway. Strange place to go for a walk. Then we passed a car that was stopped on the other side of the freeway with a woman and several children inside. My brother was quick enough to put the pieces together. The car had stalled on the freeway and the man was walking to the nearest town for help. The debate was quick and easy - we would honor our father more by helping this family in trouble than by being at his talk. We flipped around and asked the lady if she needed help. She was naturally uneasy about two guys helping her, but she asked if we could help her husband. We caught up to the man and gave him a ride to the next town. He called some friends and then we gave him a ride back to his family. In the end they were relieved to be all together again, and happy that a solution was on it's way. My brother and I were late.
We arrived at the church too late to tell my father we were there. We found a corner to sit in the packed room, and shortly my father was announced to speak. It was not the sense of timing nor reverence that we had aimed for, but we felt blessed that we were in time to hear him speak. My father stood up and leaned on one elbow to give his well rehearsed talk. Then as he scanned the crowd he saw my brother and I.
Now let me tell you my father is a polished speaker. He never reads from notes, and he speaks sincerely from the heart. He plans talks that incorporate scripture, the Savior, and life changing repentance. He knows how to look the audience in the eye, and how to emphasize the important parts of his talk. He would never preach his personal opinions or ideas, and he does not boast or whine. His emotions are carefully controlled to avoid distracting the audience from the message. I may never reach my dad's quality of public speaking. He makes sure each talk is on target, and every single talk is well done. Every single one - except this one.
When he saw us sitting in the audience he did a double take, opened his mouth in shock, and sputtered, "Well!" He was genuinely surprised to see us, and I couldn't help smiling in spite of myself. Yet such a reaction was certainly not part of polished speaking. He turned back to his talk, then tears came to his eyes. For the next ten minutes I heard the worst talk my dad has ever given. He talked of his great love for us and the gratitude in his heart for the blessings the Lord had given him. He talked of temple ordinances, and the blessing of having his family together in the temple. He spoke of his desires for us to live worthy of the spirit and bore his testimony to us. When I say us I mean only my brother and me. I knew by the way he talked this was not part of his speech, and none of it was rehearsed. I assume his talk was eventually discarded unused.I remember that talk so vividly for many reasons. My father had lost his polish, lost his rehearsed mannerism, and spoke straight from his heart. The reason was simply because I was there with my brother to support him. Although I have not always understood my dad that day I knew he loved me and he had a testimony. I knew I loved him and that what he said was true. The man who was so careful to control his emotions cried in front of a huge audience because his love for me made everything else insignificant. Whether other people felt the spirit the way I did or not didn't matter to him. At that moment he wanted me to feel his testimony because that was my dad.
A sense of eternal family. A sense of time for church. A sense of charity between a father and son. A sense of controlling the decision to help a family in need. A sense of reverence for our testimonies of the Savior. After the meeting we laughed at the surprise and held an emotional reunion. I learned that the fruits of good humor are a sense of joy and gratitude. Both emotions spilled over as we shared stories of the day. After far too short of a time my brother and I had to head back home. I left changed. My sense of humor had brought me closer to heaven.
No comments:
Post a Comment